


A Lifetime of (Not) Killing You

by PadawanRyan



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Universe
Genre: Canon Compliant, DADT Repeal, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi-Episode, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Secret Relationship, Takes Place Over 11 Years, multi-series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24464515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PadawanRyan/pseuds/PadawanRyan
Summary: John and Rodney meet long before the Atlantis expedition and spend many years worrying that the other will (metaphorically) kill him when they've each screwed up, respectively.
Relationships: Past John Sheppard/Nancy Sheppard, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 115





	A Lifetime of (Not) Killing You

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so this idea came to me in some way a couple days ago - I wanted a fic where John and Rodney met long before Atlantis and carried out their relationship throughout the entire series while everything still remained more or less canonical - but at the time, I certainly wasn't planning to write it. This felt like something that would be too long for just a oneshot, and I don't write long fics these days because it will almost certainly be abandoned if I take more than one sitting to write it.
> 
> But, that's what I did today: I spent about 6 hours sitting here and writing this fic because I just _had_ to write it. I needed this fic.
> 
> There are a couple things I need to mention first, though. Firstly, there is only one scene per year, so while there are plenty that I would have wanted to address from the series, you will only see one per calendar year. Even though Be All My Sins Remember'd aired in January 2008, I used that episode as the 2007 scene because according to [John's Stargate fandom page](https://stargate.fandom.com/wiki/John_Sheppard), that happened in 2007 (I was using the page to ensure that I got the actual years correct).
> 
> Secondly, I have never watched Stargate Universe. I love SG-1 and SGA but I could never make myself watch SGU and, therefore, I have never actually seen the episode I wrote about for the 2010 scene. I used the [fandom page for that episode](https://stargate.fandom.com/wiki/Seizure) along with the [episode transcript](http://www.stargate-sg1-solutions.com/wiki/SGU_2.15_%22Seizure%22_Transcript) in order to know what was going on, but ultimately I may not have gotten the details precisely correct.
> 
> The 2001 scene references canon but since there's no direct timeline of what John was doing pre-canon, I created my own timeline. Everything that occurs in 2011 and 2012 is entirely made up, besides the timeline of the DADT repeal.

**2001**

The first time John had ever thought “McKay is gonna kill me” was the morning after he had met the scientist. Despite that he barely knew the man, he already knew the man was not going to react very well to the “I’m married” conversation.

Well, the “I’m getting divorced” conversation, but the fact of the matter was that John was technically still married.

He was about to ship out to Afghanistan when Nancy served him with the papers. Something about “too many secrets,” which John supposed was fair because he had just dropped the bombshell on her that he was leaving for another mission and couldn’t tell her much about it, only that he would be in Afghanistan. What they wanted him to do while there was top secret, classified information and Nancy once said that she understood, but had decided after a few years that understanding wasn’t enough. She didn’t like not having him around and not even knowing if he was safe, what he was up to while gone.

So, John decided to drink away his sorrows, because what else does a man do when he’s been served with divorce papers _and_ was soon shipping out to a war zone?

What he didn’t expect was to find – dare he think it – _comfort_ in the scientist who seemed to be verbally harassing the bartender every single time the man approached him, despite that the scientist wanted more to drink and therefore the bartender _had_ to approach him. John had scoffed at something he said – he couldn’t even remember in the morning what it was – but that mouth was suddenly turned onto him, and what began as an acerbic response to John’s flippancy eventually turned into an _actual conversation_.

He learned that Dr. Rodney McKay, PhD, PhD worked for Area 51 on top secret projects that he very well couldn’t tell John about, and that actually brought an unexpected warmth to John’s chest because _finally_ , someone understood. Well, John was sure that plenty of the men he worked with and for did understand his plight, but it was nice to meet a civilian in the same situation. Kinda.

And while John couldn’t quite say anything about it in the Air Force, this man was a civilian, so well…if they lost their clothes together by the end of the night, nobody had to know.

But even if it _was_ a one-night stand, John knew well enough that the “I’m married” conversation never went over well. It didn’t matter if they never intended to see each other again because it just made people feel _dirty_ to know that they had aided in adultery.

The first words out of Rodney’s mouth had been, “oh god, I’m a homewrecker.”

But he didn’t get quite as angry as John expected.

The “I’m getting divorced” conversation actually made it much easier because Rodney seemed to understand that. Not that he had ever been married or divorced, but he understood difficult family relations – and John was full of them, not much of which he told the scientist, but he did mention that he was sure his dad preferred Nancy to even him – and he agreed that John was no longer obligated to Nancy. John could tell that Rodney _did_ feel a sort of smugness about the fact that _he_ had been the chosen temporary replacement instead of someone who (not that John would agree) “actually looked like they were in his league.”

He couldn’t tell Rodney what he was going to be doing when he shipped out in a matter of days, but Rodney knew that John was going to Afghanistan. So, he wasn’t entirely surprised when he received a letter only a month later from a Dr. M.R. McKay with nothing but a math puzzle and a request to “not let those brain cells die” in it.

And John was grateful when Rodney started sending him more _explicit_ letters under the name “Meredith” so that the Air Force would be none the wiser.

* * *

**2002**

There were two thoughts going through Rodney’s head when he received the news that he was being forcibly sent to Siberia: “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” and “oh god John is gonna kill me.”

The whole situation was a mess. He was still feeling angry and bitter after the conversation he had with Jeannie the previous week and he let the breakdown of their family affect his work. This is exactly why he wanted Jeannie to focus on her education and her career instead of family, because family was a distraction — had he not been angry at Jeannie and her decision to drop out of school and get married, maybe he wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place! But, regardless of the reason, it _was_ a mess.

He had been brought to Stargate Command for the first time to help retrieve a _valuable asset_ from the gate and managed to buy himself a one-way ticket into exile. He mouthed off to the wrong people and now he had no choice: lose his job or go to Siberia.

And well, Rodney couldn’t trust anyone else to do the work of the smartest man in the galaxy, so he had to choose Siberia.

Hitting on Samantha Carter probably hadn’t helped his case at all. It’s not that he actually _wanted_ to sleep with her, but he had to keep up the pretense on his end. Nobody could ever assume he was in a secret relationship with a _male_ officer if he was openly flirting with women whenever he had the chance. Major Carter was the perfect candidate for his supposed affections: she was a genius (not that he’d ever admit it) and, quite frankly, already being in a relationship with one Air Force goon made it pretty easy to feign interest in another. He already knew a little bit about how they would actually _work_ together.

But he did lay it on a little thick, and then let his anger at Jeannie distract him from using what little tact he even had in his interactions, and well…now he was going to Siberia.

John was away in Afghanistan – it’s not like they had seen each other since that first night – so it’s not like he would actually _miss_ Rodney. He probably wouldn’t even know that Rodney was gone unless Rodney told him, but Rodney _was_ going to tell him. And as soon as he did, John was going to kill him. Or, maybe, break up with him.

What was the difference, in the end? After already losing one of the most important people in his life, losing another would probably kill the last of his humanity.

But Rodney wouldn’t lie to John, so he’d explain himself in his next letter, and if John wanted out…that was up to him.

* * *

**2003**

There was no doubt about it: this time Rodney would kill him.

John was waiting for the court martial to come. He was waiting to hear the news that he had been dishonourably discharged. All this time he worried that maybe it was the _secret gay relationship_ that would get him thrown out of the Air Force, but Rodney was a genius and nobody – not a single person – had caught on that “Meredith” was anything besides John’s smart little girlfriend. Nobody had even needed to see a picture because, well, John couldn’t deny that he was a pretty good catch physically — nobody would even doubt that he’d have some pretty girl clinging onto him back home, writing him devoted letters as often as she could.

Not that anything about those letters hinted at devotion if someone didn’t know Rodney, but John did know Rodney. He could read between the lines.

But no, it wasn’t the _secret gay relationship_ that was going to get him arrested and thrown out of the Air Force. Instead, it had been his decision to “play the hero” – he knew that’s what Rodney would say when he told him – and disobey his superior officer in order to save his friends, which he didn’t even manage to do in the end anyway.

What good was he if he couldn’t even save the lives of the people he cared about? John wouldn’t blame Rodney for breaking up with him.

Though, somehow, he knew that Rodney _wouldn’t_ break up with him. He would ream John out – and god knew that Rodney could damn well do that better in even a written letter than John’s father had ever managed to his face – but he would be understanding about it, because Rodney was smart and he knew John. He knew that John would never leave anyone behind, especially after John refused to leave _him_ behind after the whole Siberia incident — not that John had ever intended to break up with Rodney over that, because he knew how rough he had been taking the Jeannie thing, but the desperation was clear in the scientist’s writing.

So, John knew that relationship-wise, he was safe. Rodney would never leave him over this.

And maybe this was for the best. If John wasn’t an officer anymore – if he was a civilian again – then he and Rodney wouldn’t have to hide their relationship. Sure, society in general was still pretty homophobic, but he wouldn’t get _arrested_ just for holding Rodney’s hand or kissing him in public.

But could he really expect Rodney to stay in a relationship with a disgraced ex-Air Force officer when Rodney could have someone…better?

He sat on his bed and tried to figure out how to even start the letter as he waited for the summons to come, because it _would_ come sooner or later. What could he even say? _“Dear Meredith, I fucked up”_ would be a good start because it would mirror exactly what Rodney had written to him after Siberia: _“Dear John, I fucked up.”_ But it didn’t feel right to turn what was probably the worst situation he had ever been in – even worse than his divorce, which didn’t turn out so badly thanks to Rodney entering his life – into a laughing matter, so he couldn’t write that.

 _“Dear Meredith,”_ he wrote, _“You tell me all the time that my brain is wasted in this environment. Well, maybe you’re right, because I’m certainly not using it…”_

* * *

**2004**

Logically, Rodney knew that John would never fault him for having given up the information under duress — Rodney wasn’t a soldier and John knew that more than anyone. However, that didn’t stop Rodney from thinking “John is gonna kill me” the entire time, even as Kolya delivered his threats to both him and Elizabeth.

His arm was in pain and he couldn’t help it: he told the Genii of their plans to save Atlantis from the storm with the grounding stations.

And John would understand that more than anyone. John had impressed upon Rodney more than once to do whatever he had to do to survive, because he wasn’t going to forgive the man for dying when it could have been prevented. Rodney had readily agreed because well, he didn’t want to die either. But now they could all die because Rodney had been stupid enough to let the Genii torture him into giving up his secrets, and god, how pathetic was that? All the years he had spent keeping secrets, and he blabbed this one with only a little hesitation.

What if John stopped trusting him after this? After all, if he couldn’t keep this secret, then what about _theirs?_

He knew that John wouldn’t blame him for this because John would definitely not have wanted Rodney to put his safety on the line – they had never actually spoken the words, but he knew John loved him – but that didn’t stop him from worrying about what John would think of the fact that he just _gave it up_ so quickly.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He was the galaxy’s _stupidest_ genius because he might have just doomed them all.

John sounded so cool and collected over the radio because that’s what John did: he was a hero. Rodney knew that John wasn’t _actually_ as calm as he seemed – the casual tone he took when explaining his actions to Kolya was a mask for the panic he was feeling underneath, Rodney _knew_ that – but it didn’t stop Rodney from closing his eyes and feeling relief that they had someone like John on their side. Whatever happened to them would be Rodney’s fault, not John’s fault, and at least John would have tried everything he could to save everyone.

And if they made it out of this alive, Rodney would have to tell John to find someone he could actually trust, because Rodney is apparently a blabbermouth.

If they made it out alive, Rodney would let John go, even if it broke his heart.

* * *

**2005**

The amount of times that John had thought “Rodney is gonna kill me” since they arrived in Atlantis was astounding. He even said it aloud one time, when he was pretending to seduce Chaya in order to gain her trust in them.

In retrospect, _pretending_ to seduce someone was probably not the most trustworthy thing he could have done.

But John had a habit of doing what he thought was best for everyone – as he had thought basically every time he did something like this, Rodney would accuse him of “playing the hero” – and in this case, that meant perhaps sacrificing himself for the safety of Atlantis. There was no other choice — they were outnumbered by the Wraith, even with the soldiers sent through from Earth to join the fight, and John knew what he had to do. This is what he did: disobey his superiors to keep everyone safe. And that is exactly what he would do.

He would do this for everyone, but he couldn’t help but remind himself that this was the best way to keep Rodney safe.

And Rodney couldn’t kill him if he never came back.

Not that _that_ was a reason to do this. He would gladly take a reaming out from Rodney over death any day, but this was something he needed to do. He was the one who got them into the situation with the Wraith in the first place – something he wouldn’t apologize for because he couldn’t have known that killing that queen would awaken the entire fucking race – so he had to be the one to save them from the Wraith. It was as simple as that.

Rodney had selflessly tried to let John go so many times because he thought that it was the right thing to do. John stubbornly wouldn’t let him – they were in this together, no matter what – but this time he had to let Rodney go. For Atlantis. Rodney would understand, even if he was angry at John.

“Stay safe Rodney. I love you,” he whispered as he closed his eyes, opening them only when he realized that he was no longer in the jumper. _Alive_.

* * *

**2006**

John was gonna kill him for not keeping his damn mouth shut, but he couldn’t help it this time. It was _Jeannie_.

The situation with Jeannie four years earlier had torn him up. It was the whole reason he fucked up and ended up in Siberia. He was still surprised that John was understanding about the whole thing, especially since they had only known each other for a matter of months at that point. Who stays in a relationship when they realize how fucked up their partner is? That should have been the situation that sent John running.

And yet, John hadn’t run. So, maybe – just maybe – Rodney could believe that John would understand in this case.

Nobody was supposed to know about them. That was the big secret, the one that could ruin both their lives within seconds of being discovered. Nobody knew, not even Teyla or Ronon, though Rodney was certain that they had their suspicions. Even though they were very good at pretending in public to be no more than best friends, their team had a habit of finding themselves in danger where…well, Rodney certainly experienced fear for John when he was in danger, and Rodney would believe John felt the same for him too. After all, that’s why John had told him years ago to do anything in order to survive.

But Rodney couldn’t keep that secret from Jeannie. He had just gotten Jeannie back into his life, and he wouldn’t admit to anyone besides John how that made him feel. Reasonably, he didn’t want to keep any more secrets from her. If anything, he wanted to tell her that he understood now why she would choose Kaleb and Madison over her career.

Because, although it would pain him to do so, at this point he would definitely pick John over his career.

He would never ask the same of John because he knew how important the Air Force and flying was to John. Deep down, he knew John would pick Rodney if he was given an ultimatum, but he never wanted John to _have_ to pick him. So, nobody could know.

And yet — “Wait, _him? You?_ Are you telling me that _he_ actually _wants_ to be with _you?_ ”

“Yes, yes, I know, I’m not exactly a catch.”

“Sorry, Mer.” Jeannie had the decency to look a little guilty at that. “But you do realize that it’s just so hard to believe, right?”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s a long story. And anyway, if we hadn’t…if I hadn’t…anyway, if things had not gone so sour between us when they did, I don’t know if you’d already know or not. I just wanted to say that I get it now, the whole family thing. Because John…” he thought for a moment. “John is my family.”

“Wow, Mer. This is a side of you that I’ve never seen before.”

“And it’s a side of me you’ll have to pretend you’ve never seen. I’m serious Jeannie, nobody can know. He’s military and can get in a lot of trouble for—”

She nodded and put her hands on his shoulders. “I get it. Your secret is safe with me.”

Rodney couldn’t help but smile because this? This is what he had wanted for years. Jeannie was the first person he had ever loved – he had never really experienced familial love for his parents, even if he did feel attached to them as the reason for his existence – and being able to share with her this love he felt for someone else was something he never thought he’d experience. He never thought that he’d repair his relationship with Jeannie, and he never thought he’d even have someone else to love. Somehow, John had stuck around and made _both_ possible.

Now, if only Rodney could have asked John’s blessing first. He already risked losing John over the Doranda situation and he didn’t want to lose his trust again.

* * *

**2007**

He knew Rodney understood the whole flirting thing, since they had both agreed long ago that it was the best way to diffuse any rumours about them. Rodney had easily agreed to it at the time – and had carried out his own poorly executed flirtation with women since – but now, John was pretty sure Rodney was gonna kill him.

Because this time, _he_ had been the one to blurt out their secret as though he had forgotten it _was_ a secret. He needed Larrin to understand that when he asked how to contact her in the future for “professional reasons” that he wasn’t proposing a relationship between them.

He told her that he didn’t mean to lead her on, but that he was already involved with someone, which was more than he had told _anyone_.

It didn’t matter when he was flirting with women he was never going to see again, because well, he would never see them again. He could flash the famous John Sheppard smile and make all sorts of insinuations, but then he would never have to follow up because he would never see them again. It seemed kinda sleazy when he thought about it, but that was their agreement. That was their way of throwing everyone off their trail, even though John was pretty sure that some people had caught on by now. Teyla and Ronon surely had, and he was pretty sure he even caught a knowing look from Colonel Carter once.

But he would potentially be seeing Larrin again because they needed the Travelers as allies, so he had to make sure that she didn’t get the wrong idea.

Maybe Rodney would appreciate all the emphasis on his trust in the scientist and trust John in return about this.

Larrin was surprisingly understanding about the situation. Her first reaction was to tell John that “she must be a lucky woman” and he knew how this went, he had done it enough over his letters with “Meredith” in Afghanistan — he smiled and told her that she – his woman – was the best. Nobody had caught onto the lie before because John was good at keeping secrets, it’s what he did for a living. But he must have either been slipping or Larrin must have been even better at reading him than he thought, because she smirked.

“Give Dr. McKay my regards,” was her only response before she walked away.

God, Rodney was definitely gonna kill him.

* * *

**2008**

Of all the things John was ever gonna kill Rodney for in all their years together, this one actually wasn’t even Rodney’s fault.

In order to keep up the pretense, he invited Jennifer to come with him to Earth for Malcolm’s presentation. Malcolm had requested no military at the event anyway, but he would easily have invited John and told him to pretend he wasn’t an Air Force officer—that wasn’t the thing that dissuaded him from inviting John. No, he didn’t want people to think John was his _date_ , because while he certainly would have been, that would be taking things pretty _public_. Jennifer, meanwhile, knew about him and John – they had to come clean to her when she started pursuing Rodney pretty seriously – so she would understand that this wasn’t a _date_.

Especially since Rodney had almost actually _proposed_ to Katie just to keep their secret, John had been the one to suggest coming clean to Jennifer after the whole Second Childhood thing. Jeannie already knew and there was some tension between them due to Jennifer’s feelings for Rodney, so Rodney told her the truth and it went…surprisingly well.

She cared about him enough to be his friend. And now he invited Jennifer to join him on Earth as his “date” and she agreed.

Except everything was going _absolutely terribly_ because Malcolm had stolen _his fucking research_ and had fucked everything up as a result. And Rodney really felt like he needed John there to take control of the situation.

And John would definitely kill him if he died all the way on Earth with weeks before John would even find out.

Jennifer was good under pressure – she would have to be as a doctor – and she helped him take control of the situation. She agreed to call General Landry and she risked her own life to ensure that they would get help, even if it did result in Rodney needing to save _her_ life in the end. God, if he wasn’t so gay for John it would almost seem like he was the knight in shining armour to Jennifer’s damsel in distress — what a perfect image that would make if they were actually a couple. People would probably tell them that it was a good story to tell their grandchildren someday.

But Rodney would never have children or grandchildren if he died in this fucking facility. He needed John to be there playing the hero.

And god, since when was he thinking about _children?_

If he did make it out of this alive, he was sure that John would kill him just for that. They couldn’t exactly keep their relationship secret if they brought children into the mix, but once the idea was in Rodney’s head, it was hard to stop thinking about it.

* * *

**2009**

Somehow, he always found himself in this situation. Rodney was really gonna kill him for doing this _yet again_.

It was the only way to defeat the Wraith. He was going to have to sacrifice himself to ensure that the bomb was detonated on the hive ship because that was the only way to prevent the Wraith from attacking Earth. This wasn’t just to save Rodney or Atlantis, but his entire _planet_ and possibly the entire Milky Way galaxy. Rodney would understand, he knew that Rodney would understand – Rodney had certainly known him long enough – but he wouldn’t blame Rodney for coming after him in the afterlife someday.

Hopefully many, many years later after Rodney had lived a full life.

He also hoped that Rodney and the rest of Atlantis were safe, that he hadn’t left them defenseless when he had come through to Earth. He would never forgive himself if he made it to the afterlife and Rodney was already there waiting for him.

Not that Rodney would forgive him for ending up there himself in the first place. Just because he would understand didn’t mean he would be happy about it, and it would probably break Rodney’s heart to hear the news that John hadn’t made it. God, if he could prevent breaking Rodney’s heart, he would — this was just something that nobody else besides John could do because, as usual, nobody else was ready to sacrifice themselves. And he couldn’t exactly blame them for that, so he would do what he did best and make the sacrifice himself. If it saved the planet, then it was worth it.

But god, he couldn’t help thinking about everything he would miss out on doing with Rodney. They could never grow old together.

They could never get married or have kids or do that whole _domestic thing_ together.

He never thought that he would even want that domestic thing, especially after things didn’t work out with Nancy. Rodney was certainly not the type of person he ever expected to fall in love with, let alone settle down with, but yet he had found himself entertaining thoughts lately of starting a family with Rodney.

It was Teyla’s fault, really. She gave birth to Torren and now he wanted one of his own.

And he wasn’t willing to get one with anyone else. Not that he and Rodney could produce a child together in the _usual_ way, but there were options. Surrogacy, maybe — if they asked Jeannie to be their surrogate, then maybe they could still have a baby that would look like John and Rodney, that would still inherit Rodney’s brain because Jeannie was _also_ a genius. He had been thinking a lot about it lately, even though he knew it wasn’t possible. He would have to resign before he could have a public relationship with Rodney, and yet, maybe he _would_. There had to be _something_ Woolsey could do to ensure he remained in Atlantis, even if he wasn’t an Air Force officer anymore.

Rodney had always said that he wouldn’t make John choose him over his career, but more and more, John _wanted_ to choose Rodney. Without an ultimatum.

Not that it would make any difference. He wasn’t going to live long enough to do any of that.

* * *

**2010**

“John’s gonna kill me” was the only thought going through Rodney’s head as Colonel Young told him to stop dialing.

None of this was supposed to happen. He wasn’t even supposed to be there. He was supposed to be back home in Atlantis with John and his team and his lab and _his fake meatloaf_ because god, even _that_ he missed. But no, he was instead surrendering to the Langarans even though he _knew_ the connection would have succeeded — they could have reached the Destiny and got out of there, and instead, Colonel Young was ordering him to _stop_ and _surrender_.

If he ever made it back to Atlantis, John would kill him for getting himself into this situation. Even though it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t _ask_ to help them.

And sure, Rodney loved when people stroked his ego. He loved when people wanted his genius above everyone else. He loved to feel _needed_ , so he listened as they tried to convince him to join the crew of the Destiny because they _needed him_.

But what _Rodney_ needed was to be back home with John.

This whole mission had been chaos from start to finish. It certainly didn’t help that he’d had a minor panic over the fact that Brody might have ingested citrus while temporarily inhabiting his body — which he didn’t, but it was a valid concern. Nobody else should ever inhabit Rodney’s body but Rodney, which he learned pretty quickly when Cadman went around kissing everyone with _his_ lips. But at this point? Rodney was so fucking over it. This mission could hang itself and he certainly wasn’t going on _any_ more missions without his team ever again.

He knew that wasn’t true – he’d go where he was needed – but it was like when hungover people said they were never drinking again. Right now, that’s how he felt about it.

And he knew that John was back in Atlantis worrying about him. John knew that Rodney was a capable individual who could handle himself, but Rodney also had a habit of getting himself into danger, as John well knew — they both had the same habit. And if Rodney was always worrying about John whenever he left somewhere without Rodney, then well, John was surely worrying about him too.

So, as soon as he returned home – because he was _definitely going home_ , he refused to believe that he wasn’t – John was probably gonna kill him. Or hug him.

* * *

**2011**

If Rodney didn’t kill him this time, then he was going to accept that Rodney was probably never gonna kill him. Which was probably for the best, considering he wanted to stay alive and spend the rest of his life with the man, but he probably wouldn’t get that chance if he didn’t figure out some way out of this situation.

When they made the agreement to flirt with women in order to hide their relationship, that was the agreement: flirting with women.

Obviously men would not be involved because hello: _Air Force_. John couldn’t be involved with a man.

That was the whole reason they even _had_ the agreement.

And yet, John made the mistake of flashing his famous John Sheppard smile at this pretty boy guy because this planet didn’t appear to even _have_ women and well, he needed to flirt with _someone_ in order to get what they wanted. If Atlantis found out, they would believe that he was just doing what he had to do in order to form an alliance with these people – they all did things sometimes that they didn’t want to for the greater good, and John did that more than anyone, considering all the times he had willingly attempted to sacrifice himself – but that was believable so long as he stuck to suggestive smiles.

He wasn’t so sure Atlantis would believe that he hadn’t intended to actually _sleep with_ another man. Not that John had slept with the pretty boy, that is.

He certainly wasn’t John’s type and well, John knew how to say no.

Except that the pretty boy didn’t seem to care that John had rebuked his advances and instead had insinuated to everyone that they had slept together anyway. Perhaps he had an ex-boyfriend that he was trying to make jealous, or maybe it was expected that they sleep together and the kid hadn’t wanted to admit that they hadn’t. So, he went ahead and continued to flirt with John, touch John, make comments about what he and John had apparently done that night when John had, instead, been explaining to the kid that he wasn’t interested.

At the time, the kid seemed to understand. He didn’t push John and didn’t even ask any personal questions. Maybe he was used to meeting people from planets where relationships between men were less common.

But the pretty boy changed his tune as soon as morning had come and well, John knew that Rodney had a jealous streak.

He could probably convince Rodney that he hadn’t slept with pretty boy Teever – Rodney would believe John, even if he was a little acerbic about it first – but he wasn’t so sure he could convince everyone else. Teyla and Ronon would surely believe him too – he still hadn’t actually _told_ them about him and Rodney, but that was because he knew that they knew, whether or not they ever actually said anything about them – but the rest of the Atlantis expedition? What would be going through the heads of the American military contingent? Some of them would believe him, but he knew that some would be skeptical. It wasn’t as though every single person in Atlantis had unyielding trust in John.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was currently billed to be repealed, but well, that could still fail.

This whole situation could potentially out John. So, yeah, Rodney was definitely gonna kill him this time just for getting himself into this situation.

But maybe…maybe it was time. He had thought about it so many times before, but he hadn’t actually brought it up with Rodney. It passed through his mind every time he thought he’d never see Rodney again, but it was easier to forget about when they were together, since he could then believe that they’d have the future ahead of them to do whatever they wanted.

And while Rodney certainly didn’t believe in signs, John did.

He could still remember the look on Rodney’s face when he told the scientist that he decided to come to Atlantis based on the result of a coin toss.

Not that he wasn’t tempted to explore the galaxy with his boyfriend of three years when he was asked, but there was a difference between going somewhere like Afghanistan or Antarctica and going to _another galaxy_. Rodney had sputtered at first when John told him, but he understood the hesitancy to join the expedition, regardless of Rodney’s place in it. Whether or not he went to Atlantis, he’d still finally understand what Rodney did – what his work was – and he could feel proud of what the other man was sure to achieve. But the coin told him to go, and god, was he ever glad that he believed in signs like that.

So, maybe this was another sign. They had been together _ten years now_. Maybe it was time that he finally resigned his commission and had the “let’s start a family” conversation with Rodney. Though, he had to admit, it was a pretty fucking weird sign.

He just had to hope that Rodney wouldn’t kill him because he was pretty sure that he was ready this time. _Pretty sure_.

* * *

**2012**

For once in his life, Rodney was pretty sure that John was not gonna kill him. Because the look on John’s face when Rodney had blurted out “I want to get married” did not look angry or horrified or scared like he worried it would the moment he opened his mouth.

No, John didn’t look upset about Rodney’s sudden revelation at all.

He looked – dare he think it – like he was going to _cry_. Which was weird, because John Sheppard did _not_ cry.

“Really? You want to marry me?” he asked, and Rodney could practically hear the _awe_ in his voice.

“I mean, we’ve been together eleven years now,” Rodney began, “and we’ve been through a lot together. I’ve known that I love you since before we even stepped foot in Atlantis, and even though I have given you more than enough reasons to break up with me and forget about me, for some reason you’ve decided to stay and to…well, I assume you love me too.” He paused for a moment. “And to be honest, I’ve been thinking about this for years now but obviously I wasn’t going to make you pick me over the Air Force and—”

“Yes.”

“—I can’t make…wait, what?”

John was giving him a smile that was seemed to be a combination of amused and sincere. “Yes, I’ll marry you.” Rodney could feel himself getting _giddy_ , like a fucking fourteen year old girl. “Really?” he asked, not even bothering to mask the hopefulness in his voice.

“Yes,” he confirmed again. “I’ve wanted to marry you for years too.”

“Really?”

John muzzled Rodney’s neck, holding him tightly against him. “Mhmm. Every time I thought I was gonna die, I regretted that I’d never be able to settle down with you and have a family. There were so many times when I almost just resigned so that we could do it all. But every time I was back with you, I was…afraid. I know you love me, but I think that deep down, I was afraid of you rejecting me. And I think…after Nancy, maybe I was afraid of getting married again.”

Rodney tightened his arms around the other man. “I never would have let you resign for me.”

“I know. But now I wouldn’t have to.”

Rodney hummed. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was finally repealed the previous year but he and John hadn’t even discussed coming out. They had been doing this whole thing in secret for an entire decade, so he couldn’t even imagine _not_ doing it secretly anymore. Only a handful of people actually knew about them – and maybe an additional handful more _suspected_ but didn’t _know_ – and they were so accustomed to doing things a certain way that it hadn’t even occurred to Rodney that it could be done another way. Or, well, it _had_ occurred to him, but he didn’t want to pressure John into anything.

“Wait.” He finally caught up to everything John had said. “You want to start a _family_ with me? Really?”

“Yeah. I was thinking that maybe Jeannie could…you know…” John trailed off as he pressed a soft kiss to Rodney’s neck. “Jeannie and I actually talked about it once, she gave me the idea. But at the time…we still couldn’t.”

Rodney could barely believe what he was hearing. John had been discussing a family with his sister, his only other family, and had actually come up with some sort of _plan?_ “If you don’t kiss me right now,” he warned the other man, “then I rescind my proposal because _fuck_ , I don’t think it’s possible for me to love you more than I do right now.”

“You love me so much you’d take back wanting to marry me?” Rodney couldn’t even feel bad, John was laughing.

“Just kiss me, Colonel.”

John rolled over so that he was on top of Rodney. “Yeah, okay,” he said. “I can do that.”

And as John pressed his lips to Rodney’s, holding him in place on the bed with his hands firmly placed on the scientist’s hips, Rodney figured that if they could last eleven years without killing each other, then a lifetime would be a piece of cake.

**Author's Note:**

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